“The deep sense of connection, worth, and belonging that love provides is as close to heaven as we mortals experience on earth.”
~Joan Borysenko, Ph.D.
If you have ever wondered whether you can hang on to those warm fuzzy feelings of a new relationship, the answer is a resounding yes! By putting your “I love you” words into action on a daily basis, you will quickly build and maintain a meaningful, fulfilling and exciting relationship that will last a lifetime.
It took me a half of a lifetime (actually more) to learn one of life’s greatest lessons: “Love is a verb!” Several years ago, finding myself in the role of full-time caregiver definitely tested the true meaning of the phrase, “I love you” that I’d said so glibly to my husband throughout our many years of marriage. When Charles first became ill, I wasn’t prepared to abandon life as I’d known it. On the contrary, I tried to maintain many of the activities I had enjoyed as well as work part time. It didn’t take long before I became resentful and stressed to the max.
One day when I said, “I love you,” the words sounded hollow even to me. I was saying, “I love you” to a man who needed a considerable amount of assistance and care, while at the same time feeling angry and crabby, wanting to get back to whatever project I was working on at the time. I spent most of that day disappointed in my own self-serving attitude, yet begrudging the time requirements of my new role.
Often when experiencing a “dark night of the soul” such as this, I turn to my books. On this occasion, I was drawn to James C. Hunter’s, The Servant: A Simple Story About the True Essence of Leadership. As surprising as it may seem in a book about organizational leadership, one chapter was about love, which Hunter defines as a verb – a love of behavior and choice, not the sentimental feeling that usually comes to mind when we think of the word love.
Choosing Love
As I read the chapter, I realized that just saying, “I love you” or feeling those warm, fuzzy moments isn’t really what love is all about. It’s about our actions, even when we’re upset or stressed. The concept that really spoke to me was that while we might not always feel loving in that moment toward someone with whom we live, we can always choose to behave lovingly.
Loving behavior starts with a commitment to empathy, kindness, patience, respect, honesty and forgiveness. But demonstrating that commitment can be easily jeopardized by the way we communicate. Unfortunately, I’ve found that when I get angered or frustrated by the words and/or actions of someone I care about, the communication skills I’ve spent a lifetime trying to develop can go right out the window. Old patterns of behavior don’t necessarily change overnight, but, if we are mindful, we can work toward gradually strengthening communications and behaviors that lead to more peaceful and loving relationships.
While we all enjoy the warm fuzzy feelings we experience when we think about love, in the end, it’s our actions and communication with people that put the meat on the bones of the words, “I love you.”
8 Things You Can Do To Put Love Into Action In Your Relationship:
- Establish one or more shared goals such as building a healthy, mutually enjoyable relationship.
- Establish that each partner is interested in the well-being of both – not just “my way or the highway.”
- Prioritize time for communication with no distractions – no TV, iphones, or ipads.
- Make communication safe so that each person is assured of not being criticized or demeaned.
- Be a good listener. Listening carefully to what the other person is trying to communicate can speak volumes about how much you care.
- Begin with the end in mind. When interacting, keep the focus on what you are trying to accomplish – a healthy, mutually enjoyable relationship. Choose words carefully rather than reacting with anger and sharp, critical words.
- Have a sense of humor. Shared laughter is one of life’s greatest gifts to a relationship.
- Build and maintain intimacy—the ability to talk deeply to one another, be emotionally honest and feel safe doing it. Intimacy is real interaction between two people where you talk about your fears, your hopes, what is good for each of you and what is important at each stage of life.
Donna