Hi Everyone. This article is longer than most because it tackles one of our greatest problems in these turbulent times – – our own reactivity (fear, anxiety, efforts to control what we can’t control), and suggestions for how to replace it with an attitude of calm and steadiness. If this is a topic of interest to you, pick a time when you are unhurried to read it. Perhaps some of the tips might be of help.
The Dog Park Experience
Recently, while watching television, I found myself tuned in to a particularly negative newscast. As usual, the news anchors were covering the latest COVID-19 numbers, current political battles, and the civil unrest being played out in the streets of our cities. Desperately needing a change of pace, I turned off the TV, loaded my dog, Maggie, into the car and headed for the local dog park.
There were a large number of dogs at the park on that particular day. Per dog park regulations, all dogs were off leash. Shortly after entering the park, I noticed a ruckus among a group of dogs not far from where I was standing with Maggie. Something had occurred that changed the usual spirit of playfulness among the dogs into an atmosphere sparked with anger, fear and aggression. Several dogs had begun circling each other, growling and baring teeth. A few were hanging back, fearful, not wanting to be involved in what appeared to be an inevitable dog fight.
To my surprise (and horror,) Maggie (also off leash) walked toward the angry mob of dogs. I marveled at the calm she brought to this highly charged situation. She wasn’t snarling; she wasn’t barking; she wasn’t aggressive. She was just quietly effective, moving into the center of the group, her presence one of complete calm and steadiness. As she stood with the dogs, they soon began settling down – – abandoning the snarling and nips at one another – – and gradually wandered off to resume their doggie play or quiet enjoyment of their time in the park.
What had just happened? Why the change in the behavior of the dogs? Was the change somehow related to Maggie’s behavior? And how would I even describe her behavior?
Equanimity
A few days later, I ran across the article by Ilene Berns-Zare, What is Equanimity and Why is it Important In Life and Work? Equanimity was described as “a capacity for calmness and balance even in a difficult situation. As I read the article, I realized that Maggie had provided a perfect demonstration of equanimity. And best of all, her attitude of equanimity was contagious, rippling forward to the other dogs surrounding her.
The Dog Park Parallel
What happened in the dog park in many ways seemed like an eerie parallel to what is happening in many of our lives right now. In this perfect storm of unprecedented chaos, our lives are like the dog park scene. Many of us are experiencing turbulent emotions, including anxiety, fear, and anger. We find ourselves wanting to lash out at others and control those whose opinions differ from ours.
When things are going well in our lives, we are happy and content. But when we don’t like what is happening with the political scene, or the progress toward a vaccine for COVID-19, or with our work or our relationships, we often find ourselves out of control. A common reaction is fear, anger. and sometimes even becoming argumentative.
Most of us are continuously making decisions about whether we like the way things are going right now and whom to blame if we are unsatisfied. It is so tempting to make judgments, name-call, criticize the “bad guys” and obsess about how to fix “them.” We obsess about when will things be better. And when things do get better, we worry about whether they will they stay that way in the future. In other words, we live in a constant state of unease.
The Problem:
You might think, “Oh well, that’s pretty normal given the craziness of the world right now. But there are three significant problems with living in a constant state of agitation:
- Your health and immune system take a direct hit.
- You don’t think as clearly, and the actions you take from that place of agitation might not be as wise as you would like, actually contributing to additional emotional stress.
- Your happiness level is considerably lower than it could be.
The Lesson From The Dog Park
The lesson from the dog park is that with all the craziness that is occurring in the world right now, we all have a choice to make. Just as Maggie had a choice about how she would respond to the highly charged situation in the park, each of us have a choice about how we are going to respond to the turmoil in our world right now.
- Like the angry dogs in the park, you can get swept up in the storm of anger, fear, hostility and aggression when things in your life aren’t going the way you would prefer (reactivity.) Or –
- Like Maggie, you can find a place of peace and calm within yourself despite the chaos of our external world. You can tap into that mental calmness, stability and evenness of temper that radiates outward to those around you. This is called equanimity.
We all encounter things in our daily life which makes us feel pleased and grateful as well as things which make us feel irritated, resentful and even angry. Our happiness will lie not in longing for life to be different than it is. It will lie in starting to find peace, calm and happiness right where you are right now.
How to Start Cultivating Equanimity
Cultivating equanimity is like building a muscle. Your ability to develop feelings of steadiness in the face of chaos and stress depends on how much you exercise (practice) it.
Here are some specific tips for developing the ability to stay calm when the world feels like it is falling apart:
- Be clear about your objective. You might think that the ability to remain calm and balanced all the time is not easily achieved. But this isn’t the objective. Your goal is not to aim for 100% equanimity at all times. Your goal is to train your mind to be less reactive and not attached to particular outcomes.
- Use the S.T.O.P. Practice. Your goal is to decrease your minds’ reactivity in challenging times . STOP is an easy mindfulness practice that helps you accomplish that goal by redirecting your thoughts when you’re feeling stressed, anxious and/or reactive
S – “S” stands for stop. Literally just stop what you are doing, give yourself a moment to come to rest, pause and collect yourself.
T – Take a conscious breath, then a deeper breath or two. Notice the relaxing sensations of being here, now, in the present moment.
O – Observe what’s arising in you, including any thoughts, emotions or bodily sensations. Notice how you can be in this situation without being ruled by it. As you calm down, open to the choices you have in terms of how best to move forward from here.
P – Finally, the “P” reminds you to simply proceed with intentionality, taking the next step in your day from this place of strength, wisdom, and presence.
- Cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way – the ability to keep your mind focused in the present moment without judgment.
Equanimity refers to a way of being in the world. Mindfulness is the process that helps us achieve it. If you are not mindful of your emotions, you won’t have the opportunity to make a choice about how you want to respond in difficult situations.
With mindfulness, you will know when you are attached to the situation, allowing your happiness to be dependent on a particular opinion or circumstance. When you have this awareness, you are able to choose whether to be dragged along by the situation, or to release your attachment. This is where you start to cultivate equanimity.
If you are interested, you can learn more about mindfulness from this excellent free online mindfulness course https://palousemindfulness.com. This course includes readings and videos by world renown mindfulness teachers such as Jon Kabat-Zinn (Wherever You Go, There You Are), Thich Nhat Hahn (Peace Is Every Step), Tara Brach (Radical Acceptance), Pema Chodron (When Things Fall Apart), Sylvia Boorstein (Don’t Just Do Something, Sit There), Sharon Salzberg (A Heart As Wide as the World), Robert Sapolsky (Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers), Marshall Rosenberg (Non-Violent Communication), and Jack Kornfield (A Path with Heart).*
- Be content to take baby steps toward the cultivation of equanimity and non-reactivity. Don’t expect to be able to confront the big issues in your life right away and remain cool with them. Start with small issues. Your goal is to train your mind to become less reactive and attached to situation.
Summary
We’ve covered a lot, but here is the short version. When you are longing for life to be something other than what it is, stop and take that breath. Again, remember, your goal is not to aim for 100% equanimity at all times. Your goal is to train your mind to be less reactive and attached to situations. Equanimity – calmness, peacefulness, steadiness and a willingness to accept life as it is without needing to control it – is your gift to yourself and to the world.