FORGIVE AND FORGET – WHO ME?
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.”
~ Buddha
Sheltering in place for so long can provide a wonderful time to think with great fondness of the friends and family we haven’t seen for a long time. But our thoughts can also be pulled to times when we have experienced hurt and pain from the actions of others, and we quickly feel our mood shift to sadness, resentment or even anger.
Most of us have, at one time or another, been told we should forgive a person when they’ve wronged us. But the word forgiveness conjures up some highly charged responses. For some it is a religious mantra that sounds okay in theory but is difficult to execute. Others tend to bristle at the concept of forgiveness and think, “I have the right to be angry after what he or she did to me!” I must confess, I am a recovering “bristler”.
THE CHALLENGE
Most of us know on some level that anger and resentment are likely to do far more damage to us than the person with whom we are angry. But learning to forgive can be a huge challenge. For example, when I see news stories focusing on animal cruelty, I often just sit and weep. I want to do even worse things to the people involved than they are doing to the animals. Needless to say, these incidents force me to think seriously about forgiveness and whether or not I will ever be able to put my money where my mouth or, in this case, my pen is.
So why should we forgive? We pay a very high price when we choose to hold on to our anger and resentment. Studies in mind/body research have repeatedly shown that unforgiving people are more stressed, depressed, narcissistic, angry and paranoid than those who forgive. In addition to emotional distress, they also have more physical symptoms than those who have managed to let go.
In addition to scientific research, many religious traditions have shared with us their wisdom about holding on to anger. My favorite is from the Buddha, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.”
Forgiveness, on the other hand, is healing.
Forgiving yourself and others has been shown to boost your immune system and help you recover more quickly from illness. That might come in very handy right now! People who have forgiven others experience lower levels of physical pain, anger and depression. In addition, letting go of anger by practicing forgiveness can strengthen your relationships and, in the end, help you become a happier person.
WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT
When you’ve been wronged, hurt, insulted, betrayed or attacked by another person, there is always a decision to be made. Do I try to avoid that person? Do I seek revenge? Or do I take the higher road of forgiveness? If you’re faced with such a decision, it might be helpful to consider what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not reconciliation or the reestablishment of a relationship. Nor is forgiveness about condoning or making excuses for the offender. Perhaps most importantly, forgiveness is not something you do for the benefit of the other person.
WHAT, THEN, IS FORGIVENESS?
It is something you do for yourself, a shift in thinking that entails trying to let go of your hurt, anger and hostility, and adopt a more charitable and benevolent perspective. I have to admit, of all the happiness and well-being strategies that I try to incorporate into my personal life, forgiveness can be the most difficult. Nevertheless, researchers assure us (and I believe this to be true) that letting go of past wrongs is a skill that can be learned, and the benefits are well worth the effort.
GETTING STARTED
Here are some tips that have been helpful to me as I work on my own forgiveness skills. As with any of the suggestions I offer, take what is helpful and leave the rest. Remember that forgiveness is a conscious decision that will benefit you physically and emotionally. It also helps you take responsibility for your own happiness:
- Understand that forgiveness takes some time. You may first need to work through emotions such as shock, anger, pain and/or grief.
- Realize that forgive and forget is probably an unrealistic idea. You may never really forget what happened to you, but you can let go of it and it’s the letting go that allows healing.
- Avoid the mindset that forgiveness is a weakness. It takes a stronger person to forgive than to attack.
- Let go of judgments and accept others for who they are instead of rejecting them for not meeting your expectations.
- Remember, you are forgiving the person not the act.
- Don’t get discouraged. Forgiveness isn’t for the faint of heart, nor is it easily achieved.
May you be happy, healthy and safe!
Donna
Note: This blog is an adaptation of my 2008 article in eBella magazine, Forgive and Forget–Who Me?