I first started giving a lot of thought to the importance of good friends when my husband, Charlie, was ill from 2005 to 2009. At that time, stress levels due to unsolvable medical problems tended to run high. It was easy to lose track of what was going on in the lives of others.
On one particular morning in 2007, I was walking my dog, Abby, lost in thought about how we were going to deal with the many health issues Charlie was facing. I barely noticed as my neighbor, Sylvia, approached us. I had always admired this vivacious, mentally sharp ninety-four year old woman. But today, her pace was slower and her shoulders seemed to sag with the weight of her concerns. Sylvia had just lost her best friend of fifty years to a battle against cancer. As she approached us, the eyes that met mine were filled with sadness.
I opened my arms, and we stood in a silent embrace for a very long time. Words weren’t necessary. Something more important was happening ─ a nourishing, healing current every bit as powerful as an electrical current, was passing between us. After a while we spoke of her loss, but more importantly, we talked about the sense of positive energy and hope that we both drew from that hug.
Abby and I then went on to join our two-legged and four-legged friends with whom we shared “doggie play time” every morning. What great joy. What great therapy for my stressed-out soul! When I returned home, I found myself thinking, “What is going on here? Why do I feel so good from things as simple as an early morning hug and play time with my friends and their dogs?”
Friendship, Social Support and The Anger Trap
As it turns out, these experiences apparently tap into something researchers are starting to take very seriously—the medical value of healthy relationships. Stress studies have repeatedly shown that one of the greatest buffers against stress is social support. Social support includes things like:
- Knowing you can count on others for help.
- Feeling cared about and valued by others (a sense of belonging and connectedness)
- Having others who will freely listen to you (and you, in turn listen to them.)
Many of us come up short when we count the number of warm, supportive people in our lives. Whether we tend to lack meaningful relationships because we are caught up in the busy world of work, or losing friends, family members, and other loved ones due to the COVID-19 Pandemic or other illness, or maybe we’ve lost a good friend because we’ve fallen into”The Anger Trap.”
"The Anger Trap"
We value our friendships at so many levels, but we also sometimes take them for granted. Things happen that can put friendships treasured for years at risk of being lost to us forever.
We start out with good intentions. We are dedicated to being the kind, loving friend we would like to be. But then, something doesn’t go the way we would like. Or someone doesn’t say or do what we think they should. Perhaps a friend doesn’t respond to a deeply held secret you just shared with him or her in the way you hoped. A flash of disappointment, anger and sharp words on our part can quickly destroy the friendship and the goodwill that it has taken months or years to build. In a heartbeat, our good intentions are dismantled, and our good relationships torn down.
What Can We Do About "The Anger Trap"
We know that it takes time and commitment to develop and nurture friendships. Author Steven R. Covey puts it best in his perennially popular book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, when he notes that “each friendship or relationship is an emotional bank account. Every act of kindness and every expression of gratitude are deposits into the account. Negativity, criticism and words of anger are like a withdrawal that draws down the balance of the account.
Tips for Avoiding “The Anger Trap”:
- Begin with the end in mind. Your goal is to maintain and nurture your treasured friendships. When interacting, keep the focus on what you are trying to accomplish – a healthy, mutually enjoyable, caring friendship.
- Treat each other with respect.
- Pause before reacting; think before you speak.
Tips for Nurturing Your Friendships
As modern psychology evolves, we have more and more access to simple truths for how we can develop and nurture those friendships that mean so very much to us. Here are some suggestions:
- Be kind. Kindness is at the heart of all strong friendships. Kindness is simple, yet amazingly profound. Remember the “emotional bank account” analogy – Kind words and actions are deposits. Negativity and criticism are withdrawals.
- Listen deeply. Don’t assume the surface of the conversation is the core.
- Share information with your friends. Being willing to disclose appropriate personal experiences and concerns shows that your friends hold a special place in your life and deepens your connection.
- Make yourself available. Building close friendships takes time spent together. Make an effort to see your friends regularly and check in with them in-between meetups.
- Demonstrate loyalty. Healthy friendships thrive on loyalty and thoughtfulness. Support your friends when they need it. Honor the confidentiality of things you are told. Stand up for your friends when they aren’t present to defend themselves, even if it is an action that doesn’t bring you the greatest popularity at the moment.
- Forgive and forget. Learning to forgive is a process, but it is a noble and a worthwhile endeavor—certainly a healthy choice for working through hurts that could damage or destroy a dear friendship.
- Don’t forget to hug! In my experience, hugs are one of the greatest prescriptions for well-being – both for the hugger and the huggee. Hugs have a very therapeutic effect for most people, in addition to promoting intimacy, friendship and happiness. My favorite “hug experience” is the morning hug I shared with my 96 year old friend, Sylvia, on the day she lost her best friend. That hug had an amazing effect on both of us, and definitely made a lasting impression.
May you be happy, healthy and safe!
Do