I recently heard Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, New York Times bestselling author, and a recognized expert on relationships do a podcast about our relationships during “Sheltering In Place.” She said,” … (for) some couples under confinement all the cracks appear. Other couples, all the light shines through the cracks.” Some couples will thrive, and this situation will bring them closer together. Others will worry whether their relationship will survive.
Living with the impact the coronavirus is having on our lives is challenging for most of us. The uncertainly of what lies ahead creates anxiety and fear. We are stuck inside forced to spend more time together under sometimes trying conditions. This is especially true if you are trying to work for home while dealing with childcare, home-schooling children, cleaning, and cooking every night. It also requires you to rely pretty much on your partner for social support instead of receiving some of that support from activities with your network of friends and family. How you respond to these and other challenges will have a big impact on your relationship with your partner (spouse, fiance or significant other.)
An important place to start is to take care of yourself. If you are wound up like a rubber band, you will be at risk of “snapping” and hurting your loved ones unintentionally. When you are calmer, it will be easier to have smooth and pleasant interactions.
Take Care of Yourself
Some of the things you can do for yourself to relieve your tension are:
- Get some exercise. Parks and other places to walk or run are starting to open. Take advantage of being about to get both fresh air and move your body.
- Acknowledge your feelings. When you allow yourself to feel your emotions and tell yourself that it’s understandable that you feel this way, you tend to release the unwanted emotions. Journaling helps you to see what you are feeling and let go of it. Meditation is another powerful way of getting into a calmer, more centered space. If you are new to meditating or struggle with it, listen to one of the many guided meditations you can find free on the internet. Guided meditations help keep your mind from wandering.
- Stay connected to friends and family especially on visual media like Facetime and Zoom. You usually feel more connected when you can see the other person.
According to a survey reported by Forbes in April, only 18% of surveyed couples report being satisfied with their communication during this difficult time. Stress can certainly make communication more difficult. In addition, we are often not aware of the small things we do when we are interacting with each other that can either build or destroy a relationship.
“Bids” Can Make Relationships Stronger
John Gottman, Ph.D. is one of the most respected thought-leaders on relationships. His research shows that the little things we do in our everyday communication make a relationship stronger or kills it. He calls our little interactions “bids” which he defines as a question, a gesture, a look, a touch. It is a simple expression that asks for attention, affection, humor, or support. You can respond to a bid by either positively or negatively answering your loved one’s request for emotion connection.
“Turning toward” your partner is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life. It is responding with interest and kindness. “Turning against” is the opposite and has the exact opposite impact on the relationship. The most damaging response of all is “turning away” – not responding at all. That makes your partner feel that they or their thoughts and feelings do not matter at all to you. Both “turning against” and “turning away” lead to conflict and feeling disconnected to each other.
Handling Interactions
Responses are more than just the words you say. The tone of voice and the level of attention given to the bidder also speak volumes. For example, if a husband asks his wife’s opinion about something that is important to him and she continues to multi-task, splitting her attention among several activities including her response to his question, she will appear distracted and he is likely to feel that he doesn’t really matter. If the question comes when she is doing something like preparing dinner, it’s probably best if the husband asks for a time that they can discuss his question. She may respond by saying that she would love to discuss it and suggest a time that would be convenient. Same thing goes if he is watching his favorite TV program. During this time when stress and anxiety are understandably high, how you handle the little interactions is even more important for your relationship. So, pay attention to how you are responding to your partner’s bids.
The good news from the survey Forbes reported is that over half of the respondents said that this time is strengthening their relationship and 68% are making it a priority to deepen their emotional connection and are finding new ways to spend time together—discovering new things about each other, including aspirations for post-pandemic life.
What are you doing to take care of your relationship? Please share tips and ideas in the comments section.
Marianne Oehser
Author of Your Happiness Portfolio for Retirement: It’s Not About the Money — Download a free chapter https://retireandbehappy.com/your-happiness-portfolio-for-retirement/
Co-author of The Retirement Challenge: A Non-Financial Guide From Top Retirement Experts
www.RetireandBeHappy.com <http://www.RetireandBeHappy.com>